I don't think my answers have misrepresented my opinions about my experiences here, just might have focused a little too much on my complaints instead of my successes. I know there are things I have accomplished here. I do not regret studying abroad in general. Would I come to Barcelona knowing what I know now? No. I don't know if Alicante or Sevilla would've been right for me either. Maybe I'd have picked somewhere in South America instead in order to still be in a sizeable city but actually be immersed in Spanish. So I had to be honest when they asked me that ever important "Would you recommend this program to a friend?" question. I said no. I think that answer has the most weight because you are judging whether or not your experience is something that you could defend, that you could proudly claim that you benefited from it, that you enjoyed it AND you would feel comfortable telling others to do it as well. I have doubts about that and because of that I wouldn't tell others that they should come here. I certainly don't know what is best for other people and I can't lie and tell them that I had a fantastic time. My mind isn't bursting with recommendations on places to go and things to do. It felt weird to not provide my contact information in order for prospective students to ask me questions, but I had to be honest with myself. Any advice I would give would be tainted with resentment and that's just not fair to the program or the interested student.
It's so easy to remember the negative, to let those alienated feelings stay inside of you. Part of this for me stems from how I tend to write about the bad things that happen. I need a way to deal with those intense and damaging feelings, so I put pen to paper or fingers to keys. I am motivated by the need to purge myself of the awfulness. So when this old woman cut in front of me in the supermarket line today I knew I was going to write about it. The helplessness I felt made me so angry. If I was in America I would've politely told the woman that I was next in line and hopefully she would apologize and let me go ahead. But here I wasn't sure how to convey that sentiment politely in Spanish. She was a really older woman and I was afraid that somehow it was normal for people who only had a few items to jump the line. She seemed like she was in a rush, but she didn't say "perdon" or anything at all to me, just snuck up behind me and put her things on the conveyor belt in front of mine. The cashier clearly saw what had happened and didn't make any move to acknowledge, much less correct the situation. I hate that I was hesitant to speak up, but the language barrier and the nervousness of perhaps being ignorant of a cultural difference rendered me incapable of action. It's just another time when I felt like I was taken advantage of, even though the only person responsible for me feeling that way is me. So I come here and write about it and I feel a little bit better, but the memory doesn't go away. The contempt for those types of experiences, small when taken individually but unbelievably unsettling when taken collectively, is what remains. I associate those feelings with my experience here and thus my attitude is skewed.
It has been difficult to slow down my brain recently. I keep thinking about things in the future and don't realize what is going on right now. All of my things need to be packed up in a week. Next Saturday my boyfriend arrives in Barcelona and two days after that we are off to Rome and Madrid for Christmas and New Years. Then I'll be in London for a week and Barcelona for two days before flying back to Boston on January 15th. Then I'll be around for about 10 days before flying to Florida to visit my little brother and then going to Long Island to see my parents. It will be February before I have a chance to sit down and just live. I am insanely excited for all of the experiences I am about to have, but it is a lot to try to prepare myself for.
My lack of motivation lately has been astounding. I'm just tired all of the time and like numbing my brain with television shows. I haven't been overdoing it. I've been writing a lot actually, nothing too exciting, but at least I am doing something with my time (even though I should be trying to complete essays and study). I just don't care anymore. There is no sense of "my days in Barcelona are numbered I should go have a kick ass time." I mean, I'm definitely going to go to the festivities CIEE has planned at the end of next week and should someone invite me to do something this weekend I will attend, but there is nothing I'm dying to do here. I thought about it for awhile after my history final today and I couldn't come up with anything que yo tengo ganas para hacer. (that I really wanted to do) I like having some quiet time to myself. I read and write and maybe I shouldn't be shutting out the world here as much as I am, but that's how I feel. I chat with some people from Boston online and that's enough for me for right now.
What makes me excited is thinking about all of the things that I'm going to do once I get back stateside, all of the familiar things that are waiting for me. If someone wants to show that they really care about me they will show up to the airport on January 15th with bubble tea in hand...
I don't think that I'm in a good or balanced place to be evaluating things right now. I need a different perspective, to be in an environment where I can contemplate things freely. And yet as you can see my brain is making judgments and perhaps I just need to accept that they aren't as bright and cheery as one would expect from someone who has had an opportunity as great as I have. I can be thankful without being overjoyed.
I guess I've been shying away from people because I don't want to bring them down. I can't pretend that I'm sad to be leaving and I don't want to complain to the kids that are. I sort of envy the ones that say they've had the best time of their lives here. That's just not my truth, but I don't think I should share that with everyone.
So I write about it here and hope that no one takes it the wrong way. For the next couple of days I am focusing on finishing schoolwork, and then I need to prepare for my boyfriend to get here and pack up my things. Hopefully within that time I will have something else to write in here. However, I do plan on writing about my travels after the program in here so this blog won't end on a sour (or indifferent) note. :)
nikki
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